{"id":865,"date":"2024-05-28T15:32:18","date_gmt":"2024-05-28T14:32:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dev.twentytwo.digital\/ukbodytalk\/how-to-keep-your-cool-during-arguments\/"},"modified":"2024-05-30T09:38:12","modified_gmt":"2024-05-30T08:38:12","slug":"how-to-keep-your-cool-during-arguments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dev.twentytwo.digital\/ukbodytalk\/resources\/blogs\/how-to-keep-your-cool-during-arguments\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Keep Your Cool During Arguments"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was recently travelling from London to the Lake District, and the train was delayed by 90 minutes. As we crawled through the Midlands, tension started to grow, not helped by the crowded service and some of us sitting on the floor. It didn\u2019t take long before an angry passenger confronted the train guard about the delay.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The conversation immediately felt like a boxing match, with verbal punches flying from both sides. The passenger was upset about the delay; the guard apologised but said it was out of her control. The passenger still wasn\u2019t happy and accused the guard of not giving prompt information. Now, the guard was punching back and saying what do you expect me to do? Instead of diffusing the situation, the guard became defensive and angry, leading to a heated exchange. The passenger and the guard stormed off in different directions, leaving the situation unresolved and tensions high.<\/span><\/p>\n

As an observer, it reminded me of the importance of keeping your cool during disagreements. Letting emotions take over is easy, but good communication and conflict resolution<\/a> requires a calm and rational approach. Everyone you interact with is just another person, and at the end of the day, there’s a way for you both to talk to one another calmly and rationally, regardless of how deep the disagreement goes.<\/span><\/p>\n

It all comes down to four things:<\/span><\/p>\n

1. Set your ego aside<\/h3>\n

The first and most important step you have to take is setting your ego aside.<\/span><\/p>\n

That means letting go of your ideas and opinions because it\u2019s the only way to empathise with the other person fully. It also means not lashing out when someone disagrees with you or not being overbearing toward the other person.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even in a work environment, if you feel told off, you may react like a petulant child because that would be a dynamic that suddenly feels familiar to your brain. You may start getting emotional.<\/span><\/p>\n

Equally, if you become overbearing toward somebody else \u2014 e.g. speaking directly with a dominant opinion \u2014 they may work against you on purpose.<\/span><\/p>\n

Unfortunately, two people playing the roles of a grumpy child and a frustrated parent rarely solve anything together.<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead of recreating the parent-child dynamic, aim for the middle path\u2014the \u201cadult\u201d path. Keep your tone neutral, speak slowly and softly, and use objective words. Resist the urge to defend your position and instead try to listen with the intent to understand rather than the intent to respond.<\/span><\/p>\n

Objectivity is key, and this is where setting your opinions aside comes in.<\/span><\/p>\n

2. Put yourself in their shoes<\/h3>\n

Once you\u2019ve set aside your ego, the next step is to genuinely try to see the world through the other person\u2019s eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

I like the phrase, \u201cTo walk in someone else\u2019s shoes, you must take your shoes off first.\u201d When you let go of your world perspective so completely, you can completely flip around as if you\u2019re on the other side of the table. What does that person\u2019s life look like? What are their values? What are they concerned about?<\/span><\/p>\n

Every person you meet is fighting some kind of private battle you know nothing about.<\/span><\/p>\n

This is key to human compassion \u2014 understanding that the other person\u2019s frustration often has nothing to do with you<\/strong>. It\u2019s everything that\u2019s happened in their life up until the beginning of that moment.<\/span><\/p>\n

Focus on empathy for the first 70% of a disagreement because people want to empathise for 5% of the conversation and then fight their corner for 95%. Remember: Empathy doesn\u2019t mean you agree with that person. It\u2019s simply a starting point for finding common ground.<\/span><\/p>\n

3. Build a bridge between your viewpoints<\/h3>\n

After finding a common starting point, you can build a bridge between the two very different ideas on the table. An effective way of doing this is to prompt the other person for more information by being curious and asking open, neutral questions. You could say, \u201cTell me more,\u201d or \u201cExplain why this doesn\u2019t work for you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

In the case of the guard I mentioned above, she could have tried asking, \u201cWhat could we have done differently?\u201d \u201cWhat would be the best way to resolve this?\u201d Avoid leading questions such as \u2018Don\u2019t you think\u2026?\u201d which brings the focus back to your point of view.<\/span><\/p>\n

Essentially, you want to encourage them to express their views in a non-judgmental environment.<\/span><\/p>\n

When presented with the opportunity to talk, people often think, \u201cThis person cares about my opinion.\u201d This can help reduce emotion in the conversation and create a safer space. Imagine standing where they are and reflecting back to check that you\u2019ve understood. Use a soft tone, and avoid judgment or opinions of your own.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Juggling this can be challenging, so this can be a good moment to check your breathing and composure. You may have a tense stomach, a high heart rate, or your whole body might feel tight. Do a quick body scan up and down. Is there a place where you are holding tension? Are you clenching one of your fists underneath the table and not even realising it?<\/span><\/p>\n

When you release those areas, you’ll likely feel more at ease and ready to collaborate.<\/span><\/p>\n

4. Consider another perspective<\/h3>\n

Finally, imagine you were having the conversation in a bar or relaxed environment with friends. Consider how you would react if a friend came up to you feeling upset, and you wanted to ease their pain. You can channel how you\u2019d feel in that situation and apply it to the current disagreement, even if you have opposing opinions. Think to yourself, \u201cIf I were having a beer with this person, I\u2019d be human with them. I\u2019d be nodding along, using open body language, focusing on them, and letting them express their opinion.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Once you\u2019ve established this tone, you can collaborate to find common ground<\/a> and a new focus you agree on. You can list things you\u2019re unhappy with \u2014 or both happy with \u2014 and go from there toward a solution.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Even after all of this, you may still disagree with the other person at the end of the conversation. You won\u2019t always find a resolution to an argument. But it\u2019s key that you\u2019re able to walk away peacefully.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yelling might seem like the best thing you can do at the time, but if you\u2019re burning bridges with people, it\u2019s rarely the answer to that conversation. By pulling back from your ego and finding common ground together, you can focus on what matters and approach disagreements calmly with a collaborative mindset.<\/span><\/p>\n

As a former FBI hostage negotiator, Chris Voss<\/a> was involved in some of the most hostile situations in the world. His advice to manage conflict? He says “Our main desire is to be understood and accepted, safe, secure and in control”. Creating a safe environment throught empathy, curiousity and listening might just put us on path to better conversations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you ever find your emotions take over in arguments, here are four ways to keep your cool and stay in control.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":3539,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"content-type":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[47,59,80,81],"class_list":["post-865","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blogs","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-business-communication","tag-dealing-with-arguments","tag-communication-skills"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow To Keep Your Cool During Arguments | Body Talk<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If you ever find your emotions take over in arguments, here are four ways to keep your cool and stay in control.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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